Last night, I was on facebook, and got this sudden sense of boredom with my life. Now, I don't know if I am just bored with facebook, or my life in general, but I was like, "I am so tired of feeling confined to the Baylor bubble. I'm sick of looking like everyone else and acting like everyone else and being boring and predictable. I want to be able to live my life without the confinements of other people's judgements... and I want them to look at me and say, 'why is she so different?' And I want to be able to answer, 'Because Jesus defines me, not you!' This was all one thought process. It went a lot of directions, as I was trying to pin point exactly what was bothering me... I still don't really know. I just feel like there is so much more I can be doing. But I don't know what. I'm tired of being confined to titles that go with Christianity, Baylor, and Pine Cove. I just don't really like titles, I guess. I want to be different, but I don't know how I am. I want to be defined by Jesus, not those around me.
I went to sleep with these puzzling thoughts. I don't consider myself a creative person, so I was stumped on how I was going to be different... how I was going to give more, when all I seem to have is the regular and ordinary.
Then I went to church. I LOVE my church. So much. I have never felt so at home at a place where I hardly know anyone. So many new faces, all eager to worship God in ways that He created them to do so. Conformity doesn't exist at UBC. I mean, yeah, you can say that they are all hippies, or granola, or toms loving, tree hugging, long board riding free spirits. But they aren't all like that. And even those individuals are so unique amongst themselves. I love it.
Anyways, I was sitting in church, and our pastor started out by talking about how we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus... Being a disciple isn't about "asking Jesus into our hearts" and going to church and expecting to be fed and making it all about us. Being a disciple is about looking like our Master. One thing he said really stuck out: "Be the presence of God in someone's life." Dang. There are people who cross my path that I would have to say I am not reflecting God to them. Convicting.
Then he actually got to the sermon.
We are to engage this faith... heart, mind, soul.
My favorite passage, Romans 12, begins with the call to not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of one's mind. Christianity isn't just a dead religion where you go through the motions! It's an action that overtakes every part of your life. Every sense. Every thought. He created me with certain passions, and desires me to use those to bring Him glory.
This is how all this connects: I want to find the things that God created me to do... who He created me to be. I want to find those things that bring Him pleasure, and thus, bring me pleasure. I don't want to go through my life with a checklist. I don't want to be safe. I'm tired of being normal, and doing things because of what others think.
Eric Liddell, who struggled with making a choice between being a missionary and running at the Olympics, said, "I believe God made me with a purpose. But He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure." aahhh how I want to feel His pleasure. He understood that being a Christian isn't separating himself from the world. It's doing what God created Him to do in a way that points them to Him. Liddell went on to be a missionary in China... He continued to run there.
I don't really know what all this means. I guess I am just tired of falling into the trap of a boring, complacent life when I know God has created me for more. Guess we'll see what! Right now, I am just praying that He will ruin me. My life is so unsatisfying when it's about me.
PS: I LOVE the Robbie Seay cd. oooh my gosh.
PPS: I have decided to write a book. It will be good, get ready. :)